On clearing drafts, I came across this unpublished post. It speaks of the pain I felt after losing Oscar. It was written 3 months after he died. Nearly 4 years have passed now, and whilst I no longer feel this intense anguish and loss, I am posting this to remember how far I have come:
There’s an old adage: time heals all wounds. For the most part it’s true.
I wish I could say that now. But time is not healing. Time is simply intensifying the emptiness of loss.
Everyday tears are shed, Everyday the emptiness grows.
I simply can’t bear it. I cannot seem to function, or see any light in this darkness. And I’m trying so hard to ‘pull myself out of this dark place’, but without Bear, everywhere is dark. Stanley is lost too, I can feel it. I can see it. He misses Oscar as much as I do. He is as lost as I am and he is equally as broken.
I know many would not understand and I don’t care, honestly I don’t. I’m trying to understand myself and I can’t. My world feels so empty, so barren. I’m so lost without my beautiful Bear. Nobody sees the real anguish, the raw emptiness.
I don’t want to be around people, I don’t want to sit and pretend I’m ok and I don’t want to tell people I’m not. Besides, when I have, I’ve been told I’m self-absorbed.
I don’t want to answer the phone, I don’t want to reply to messages. When you isolate for long enough, when you cry for too long, soon people stop asking, stop trying. That’s ok. That works for me as if they don’t reach out, I don’t have to hang on. I don’t have to pretend.
So it’s easier to retreat.
Sometimes I feel I want to leave. My life is as barren as my heart. I know I won’t, as despite my anguish, I would not place my pain onto those I love.
I can only hope time will heal, yet 3 months has passed and I still miss you so much.
I know it was your journey, you had to cross the bridge.
But my journey now, without you, is meaningless.
So broken. So sad. So empty.
stanley & bear 