In the background, gentle music fills the chilly winter air. On the floor, my two precious pups lay curled together in front of the heater. Frieda’s dark, shiny head is tucked beneath Stanley’s chest. Their rhythmic breathing, restful and calm. How I cherish them.
Their presence enriches my life and allows me to find contentment in just being, there is no longer any rush to get to somewhere else. I enjoy the Now. Something I had always struggled with. I was constantly searching for somewhere else to be, someone else to be.
Yet now, I feel such freedom. Freedom from that feeling that had enveloped my mind and being for so many years. Maybe it came down to feelings of not fitting in during my younger years. In having those feelings, the need to flee and be somewhere other than where I was dominated my being, thoughts, and feelings.
A couple of weeks ago, we had an intense argument that led to an intense conversation about true feelings, needs and expectations. Afterward, I felt as though I’d been washed clean with honest words and feelings. Years of anguish, doubt and hurt collided with fear and expectations that morning. In the aftermath, recognition and understanding and the need to always communicate with honesty and clarity prevailed.
I feel we moved forward in so many ways. We are family and we love each other deeply, I know that, and I feel so grateful and proud of them.
So where to now? For the moment I will take the Now, second by second, minute by minute, day by day. I do know that sometime in the next year, I will find my forever after place. A place where rolling green hills shape the landscape. A place where birdsong is ever present and a place where I can sit and listen to life. Life in all it’s gentle splendour. A place where I will take those long, slow walks in the company of my precious dogs and nature.
A place where I can sit on a sunlit verandah watching the clouds, listening to the nothing.
A place that will allow me to breathe in my twighlight years with peace, tranquility, and love.
No longer needing, wanting, or yearning.
For I have found all I need in who I am, and in the few beautiful, precious souls who complete me.
stanley & bear 