The need to gather material possessions that was once paramount: a bigger house, better clothes, or the latest technology to streamline lifestyles, has been replaced with the need to nurture and embrace the simple things in life.
As I write these words, my precious dogs lay beside me. Stanley cleaning his paw and Freida asleep, her body moving gently to the beat of her breath.
A freshly brewed coffee sends tendrils of steam into the early morning air, whilst a gentle breeze choreographs the prisms of filtered light as they dance across the table. As it is nearly Christmas, beneath the tree adorned with festive lights and glittering tinsel, lay a handful of presents. As the need to celebrate the season with material love has been replaced with the need to simply share space and time with those we love most.
And therein lies the fundamental meaning of my words.
There is simplicity in life: family, nature, and just being.
I have moments where I feel healed, then without warning the pain of your passing rushes through me, weighting my heart and racking my body with unimaginable pain.
It is so hard for anyone to understand why your loss is so heavy. At times even I don’t understand. But it’s real and it hurts immensely.
We have just adopted Frieda and she warms my heart. Yet I also feel intense betrayal. Its as if I cannot love another, for in doing so, I love you less. I don’t know how to deal with those feelings. She helps and I adore her, but the pain of you not being here has not lessened.
But how I miss you. Im staring into your eyes now and the love is pure, real and intense. I can feel your softness in my mind, even though you are physically gone.
I feel its so much ‘safer’ to just stay here in my bubble, with my precious dogs who don’t judge and don’t turn. They see me for me, just as you did. They don’t flip, they just love, unconditionally. They see my faults, and rather than admonish them, they embrace them and accept them as simply my idiosyncranicity- just as I do theirs. We are one and we are whole when together.
They, like you and Simon make my heart smile. I feel safe in their presence and I feel whole. Elsewhere, I feel fragmented and broken. I cant bring the pieces together and all becomes shattered. I don’t like that Bear, I don’t like those feelings that encompass my being
Fragmented, lost and alone. When Im with you and my pups, those feelings dissipate and I begin to feel whole again. I know I have times when I’m bored here in the house, yet when I’m elsewhere, those feelings of fragmentation intensify and I’m racked with the need to be back in my safe place.
I wish Mum was here to talk to. I wish you were here to cuddle. I just wish to be normal. Today, 11th June 2021 Im so sad, so down and I want to be away somewhere with just my dogs.
I want to be able to walk out my door and walk for awhile on my own property without coming into contact with humans. The only humans I want to see are Max, Rob, Kassie. But I also want to now live on my own with my dogs. I want property with a quaint little cabin that requires little cleaning. I just want to be.
I miss Mum so much, she was my last person. She was the one I could talk to, She would always make me feel better. Her ‘paper people’ theory was so right.
But where has my life gone? It used to be so full. Travelling, laughing, exploring.
And maybe it is me. Maybe it’s because I’ve yearned for so long to be loved. Purely and simply. But I never have been. So I become the one seeking and needing and in doing so, pathetic.
I wonder what it’s like to be really loved by another person. I know my dogs give that unconditional love, and for that Im so thankful. Yet I’ve never known love from another. Family does not count.
I look back now at so many scenarios throughout my marriage and it’s so very sad. My character in that play was lost. She was unloved, berated and ridiculed. Yearning for attention, pleading for help and simply wanting support. But it was never there. It never was. And so I bear the scars, scars that I don’t feel have or will ever heal. For they are deep. They penetrated my core. I will always be that person who needs. No one likes that. Which is why I’m not liked.
But where to now. I don’t have Mum, I don’t have Bear. Just sadness.
I feel so emotionally exhausted. I do not have any motivation. I try. It never works. I watched a Ted talk about using the 15 minute rule. I tried that. It didn’t work past the 1st day. When I attempt to do a task, I feel the weight bear down on my being. At times I cant move, Im so so tired. And if Im out. I feel the weight of so much energy from others. The other day whilst at the Plaza, I found it difficult to breathe, it was only when I got to my car that I felt safe. I felt I could breathe again.
I feel safe at the soccer fields, but only when there’s little or no people there. I feel safe on the deck and at home. I feel safe in my car. I’m so tired at having to always pretend Im ok. Im not ok. Im tired, Im sad, Im alone.
My dogs understand. The hours I spend sobbing, they’re there. Watching, licking, nuzzling. They know, they understand.
I don’t want to fail, so it’s easier to not start. I don’t want them to realise they don’t like me. If I don’t meet, I cant annoy and I cant get hurt.
My days and nights are spent alone, which is of my own choosing. I enjoy my own company and that of my beautiful dogs, yet it is in those moments of solitude, as is now, when thoughts of you and the moments we shared dance in my mind.
Right now, I sit in the chair we found together in an old antique shop. Stanley beside me and Freida curled on the bean bag. It is just on twilight. In the background, jazz filters into the room, creating a comfortable and relaxed atmosphere. It is these moments when I remember nights such as these when we would sit together and discuss life over a glass of scotch and dry. As I sip my drink, I remember.
I cannot step back in time, nor can I feel sad. I must learn to simply remember with warmth and fondness.
I started reading a book called Arabia, Mum, and I know you would love his writing style. You used to often say my writing would transport you to the places I described, which is why I say you would like this author. He narrates with such clarity and finesse. His words are so descriptive and transportive.
I don’t know why that latest rejection left me feeling this way. Is it because the decision triggered negative emotions buried deep in my psyche to surface? Perhaps. And as a result, self-pity comes to the emotive party – an emotion I despise.
Interestingly, my instincts screamed at me not to attend, it was as if my subconscious knew the outcome and the effect that outcome would have. I liken it to knowing I’ll get burned, yet I still place my hand above the flame.
Odd. I don’t know why I went backward. A sense of closure, a redemption of my ability to display worthiness. Again, I don’t know. I wish I did as maybe then, only then, I’d be able to process the emotions, the feeling of rejection, the ability to accept that that chapter is well and truly over.
I need to close the proverbial book and embrace the good of what was, for the good, at one point, was in abundance.
So I need to take a forward step and believe my own words ; ‘what is for you, won’t go by you…’ that was not for me, hence why it went by.
Embrace that and move forward. Self pity was not invited…
Most of my life I’ve struggled with the inability to fit in with the societal norm. Struggled with nurturing friendships, and whilst I’ve had friends throughout my life, I have never experienced a feeling of connectedness that I see play out in others’ relationships.
I thought of myself as odd. Someone who couldn’t connect for unknown reasons. I labelled myself as different, and in doing so, adorned myself with had an extremely negative connotation and allowing my difference to be deemed unappealing and wrong.
But it is not. And therein lies the acceptance I speak of.
My difference is unique, and most importantly, it is me. I have come to accept who I am, and rather than wallow in the negative and constantly belittle who I am, I realise the need to stop the negative self talk and replace it with positiveness. I was constantly using the term – a blinds up blinds down existence. Ive now started to change that narrative with, ‘look at my life, I am free to choose how I live. It maybe a quiet existence, one that is devoid of human relationships. I’ve realised that is now ok.
It seems once acceptance is truly and deeply acknowledged, peace will prevail.
As I write these words, my precious dogs lay nearby and they alone are the beings that truly shape my existence. I hope to soon move house, I don’t know where, but I shall simply allow it all to play out the way it is supposed to. I don’t want to strive for anything in particular anymore. I want to simply live minute by minute and hour by hour.
stanley & bear 