I have moments where I feel healed, then without warning the pain of your passing rushes through me, weighting my heart and racking my body with unimaginable pain.
It is so hard for anyone to understand why your loss is so heavy. At times even I don’t understand. But it’s real and it hurts immensely.
We have just adopted Frieda and she warms my heart. Yet I also feel intense betrayal. Its as if I cannot love another, for in doing so, I love you less. I don’t know how to deal with those feelings. She helps and I adore her, but the pain of you not being here has not lessened.
But how I miss you. Im staring into your eyes now and the love is pure, real and intense. I can feel your softness in my mind, even though you are physically gone.
I feel its so much ‘safer’ to just stay here in my bubble, with my precious dogs who don’t judge and don’t turn. They see me for me, just as you did. They don’t flip, they just love, unconditionally. They see my faults, and rather than admonish them, they embrace them and accept them as simply my idiosyncranicity- just as I do theirs. We are one and we are whole when together.
They, like you and Simon make my heart smile. I feel safe in their presence and I feel whole. Elsewhere, I feel fragmented and broken. I cant bring the pieces together and all becomes shattered. I don’t like that Bear, I don’t like those feelings that encompass my being
Fragmented, lost and alone. When Im with you and my pups, those feelings dissipate and I begin to feel whole again. I know I have times when I’m bored here in the house, yet when I’m elsewhere, those feelings of fragmentation intensify and I’m racked with the need to be back in my safe place.
I wish Mum was here to talk to. I wish you were here to cuddle. I just wish to be normal. Today, 11th June 2021 Im so sad, so down and I want to be away somewhere with just my dogs.
I want to be able to walk out my door and walk for awhile on my own property without coming into contact with humans. The only humans I want to see are Max, Rob, Kassie. But I also want to now live on my own with my dogs. I want property with a quaint little cabin that requires little cleaning. I just want to be.
I miss Mum so much, she was my last person. She was the one I could talk to, She would always make me feel better. Her ‘paper people’ theory was so right.
But where has my life gone? It used to be so full. Travelling, laughing, exploring.
And maybe it is me. Maybe it’s because I’ve yearned for so long to be loved. Purely and simply. But I never have been. So I become the one seeking and needing and in doing so, pathetic.
I wonder what it’s like to be really loved by another person. I know my dogs give that unconditional love, and for that Im so thankful. Yet I’ve never known love from another. Family does not count.
I look back now at so many scenarios throughout my marriage and it’s so very sad. My character in that play was lost. She was unloved, berated and ridiculed. Yearning for attention, pleading for help and simply wanting support. But it was never there. It never was. And so I bear the scars, scars that I don’t feel have or will ever heal. For they are deep. They penetrated my core. I will always be that person who needs. No one likes that. Which is why I’m not liked.
But where to now. I don’t have Mum, I don’t have Bear. Just sadness.
I feel so emotionally exhausted. I do not have any motivation. I try. It never works. I watched a Ted talk about using the 15 minute rule. I tried that. It didn’t work past the 1st day. When I attempt to do a task, I feel the weight bear down on my being. At times I cant move, Im so so tired. And if Im out. I feel the weight of so much energy from others. The other day whilst at the Plaza, I found it difficult to breathe, it was only when I got to my car that I felt safe. I felt I could breathe again.
I feel safe at the soccer fields, but only when there’s little or no people there. I feel safe on the deck and at home. I feel safe in my car. I’m so tired at having to always pretend Im ok. Im not ok. Im tired, Im sad, Im alone.
My dogs understand. The hours I spend sobbing, they’re there. Watching, licking, nuzzling. They know, they understand.
I don’t want to fail, so it’s easier to not start. I don’t want them to realise they don’t like me. If I don’t meet, I cant annoy and I cant get hurt.
I miss Mum. I miss Bear. Yes, still missing you.
So much.
stanley & bear 