life

Embracing Change…


A gentle breeze moves through the tall grass, causing their tips to sway in a slow, graceful rhythm. My precious dogs lift their heads, nostrils flaring as they catch the scents drifting on the wind. It is quiet. It is peaceful. It is new.

A few months ago I sold my home in suburbia and bought a renovated Queenslander that sits on 5 acres. And since moving here, my darling Mum has been ever-present in my thoughts. It feels as though I can hear her voice, expressing her love for this new space. I know she would have loved it here. She would have basked in the changing light, embraced the stillness, and smiled at the peaceful symphony of neighbouring cows lowing and watching magpies vying for the fattest worm on the dew-kissed lawn at dawn.

She, like me, would have spent hours simply watching, listeningโ€”allowing the quiet beauty of nature to unfold, moment by moment. On most mornings, I sit on the front, wooden steps, sipping freshly brewed coffee, the cup cradled in both hands, watching as the sun climbs slowly, brushing everything in gold. The warmth settles on the front verandah, where Stanley and Freida lay resting, content in their new space. Sometimes I speak aloud, imagining Mum beside me, her laughter or gentle hums of agreement answering back. Mum used to say that peace isnโ€™t found in silenceโ€”itโ€™s found in learning how to sit within it.

She would’ve embraced my new, daily rituals: tending to newly planted trees, watering the vegetable garden and creating paths with the ride-on mower so I can walk the property line with Stanley and Freida in the late afternoon. When we do so, Freida always darts ahead, bounding through the grass and pausing to investigate hidden scents. Stanley mooches just beside me as we follow her slowly, one foot and paw in front of the other. In some ways, it is reminiscent of my Camino walk in Spain, just taking one step at a time. As I walk, I watch the neighbouring cows graze gently on the grass, only to look up with an air of indifference when Freida loudly voices her disapproval at their presence. Unfazed, they simply return to their meal.

As we walk, I look toward the distant Conondale Range. Its low lying mountains cradle the setting sun and as its sets lower, the sky becomes awash with deep indigo and fiery orange hues. Some evenings, I’ve noticed lingering clouds catch that final, colourful light, and are brushed with colors so vivid they seem painted by hand. Again, Mum would’ve loved it. She would’ve wanted to fetch her watercolours and paint the wondrous landscape.

Then, as twilight deepens, and with no city lights to dim their glow, the stars begin to shimmer across the velvet-black sky, timeless and vast. I often wonder about that vastness and what lies within.

Back indoors, my new home is filled with memories of a life well lived. In the lounge room, a large table is adorned with family photos. One shows Max and Mum in Annecy, France – their laughter and joy captured in that photo always makes me smile. She loved that trip to Europe with me, Max, and Rob. She often reflected on it, speaking about how grateful and happy she was to have traveled with us to one of her favorite places.

I don’t know what I expected when I came here. This home is different, and as the days slip slowly by, I am adapting. Adapting to the absence of Max and Kassie pottering downstairs, adapting to Rob no longer dropping by just to chat about life. I am adjusting to the difference and embracing the change. And that is okay.

I am learning to enjoy simply sitting with the quiet, resting in contentment, and allowing life to glide over meโ€”taking in all the simplicity and quiet beauty of this place I now call home.


life

Across the Nullarbor – again…


It’s often been said that crossing the Nullarbor in Australia can be tedious and boring. On knowing I was soon to travel the long, open expanse of Australia’s famed outback, I was a little apprehensive.

I traversed the internet looking for advise, ideas and opinions of others who had gone before me, only to discover a barrage of information, some of which, after doing the first crossing, was a tad exaggerated. ‘You need to have cash, POS won’t always work – fill up at every fuel stop as some places run out of fuel…’ Yet, this wasn’t the case. Crossing the Nullarbor was actually easy. Free camps were plentiful as was the fuel, and not once did we have to use cash.

And when I found myself doing the return journey 3 weeks later, I had exactly the same experience. And this time, on my own with my two precious dogs by my side. the journey was just as gratifying and enjoyable as the first crossing.

And why did I choose to do a repeat performance? Simply because I decided the job I had planned to commence in Perth was not what I wanted to do in life. After driving across the country the first time following the sale of my house, I found myself loving the freedom travelling by road afforded me. After only 24 hours in Perth I knew in my heart that I did not want to fly again, rather, I wanted to live a simple life on the road with my dogs, whilst looking for my forever home.

Over 2 weeks and with the help of my ex-husband and son, we transformed my van, who Rob named Kevin Anderson the 2nd, and on Christmas day, I set off. Bound for eastern shores, I knew the Nullarbor was unavoidable. So rather than finding it a chore, I chose to embrace the 1700 + kilometres that lay before me. And unlike the first crossing when we had a deadline to meet, I took my time. The kilometres were dissolved as I listened to hilarious audiobooks, stopped every couple of hours for wee walks and drinks and I simply adopted a positive outlook of where I was, what I was doing and most importantly, who I was doing it with.

Life really isn’t complicated, we can live simply, happily and with minimal possessions.

Now, just prior to writing this post, I have spent the last hour chatting to fellow travellers in a free campground on the outskirts of Port Pirie, South Australia. I feel an immense sense of freedom, knowing I am in control of every minute of my life. I am free to choose my next destination, free to move without restraint and Im doing it all in the comfort of a small van with my two best friends.

So on crossing the Nullarbor again – I would do it again, and maybe again, again….

life

simple things…


As the years’ pass, needs change.

The need to gather material possessions that was once paramount: a bigger house, better clothes, or the latest technology to streamline lifestyles, has been replaced with the need to nurture and embrace the simple things in life.

As I write these words, my precious dogs lay beside me. Stanley cleaning his paw and Freida asleep, her body moving gently to the beat of her breath.

A freshly brewed coffee sends tendrils of steam into the early morning air, whilst a gentle breeze choreographs the prisms of filtered light as they dance across the table. As it is nearly Christmas, beneath the tree adorned with festive lights and glittering tinsel, lay a handful of presents. As the need to celebrate the season with material love has been replaced with the need to simply share space and time with those we love most.

And therein lies the fundamental meaning of my words.

There is simplicity in life: family, nature, and just being.

Simple things…

life

Still missing you…


I have moments where I feel healed, then without warning the pain of your passing rushes through me, weighting my heart and racking my body with unimaginable pain.

It is so hard for anyone to understand why your loss is so heavy. At times even I don’t understand. But it’s real and it hurts immensely.

We have just adopted Frieda and she warms my heart. Yet I also feel intense betrayal. Its as if I cannot love another, for in doing so, I love you less. I don’t know how to deal with those feelings. She helps and I adore her, but the pain of you not being here has not lessened.

But how I miss you. Im staring into your eyes now and the love is pure, real and intense. I can feel your softness in my mind, even though you are physically gone.

I feel its so much ‘safer’ to just stay here in my bubble, with my precious dogs who don’t judge and don’t turn. They see me for me, just as you did. They don’t flip, they just love, unconditionally. They see my faults, and rather than admonish them, they embrace them and accept them as simply my idiosyncranicity- just as I do theirs. We are one and we are whole when together.

They, like you and Simon make my heart smile. I feel safe in their presence and I feel whole. Elsewhere, I feel fragmented and broken. I cant bring the pieces together and all becomes shattered. I don’t like that Bear, I don’t like those feelings that encompass my being

Fragmented, lost and alone. When Im with you and my pups, those feelings dissipate and I begin to feel whole again. I know I have times when I’m bored here in the house, yet when I’m elsewhere, those feelings of fragmentation intensify and I’m racked with the need to be back in my safe place.

I wish Mum was here to talk to. I wish you were here to cuddle. I just wish to be normal. Today, 11th June 2021 Im so sad, so down and I want to be away somewhere with just my dogs.

I want to be able to walk out my door and walk for awhile on my own property without coming into contact with humans. The only humans I want to see are Max, Rob, Kassie. But I also want to now live on my own with my dogs. I want property with a quaint little cabin that requires little cleaning. I just want to be.

I miss Mum so much, she was my last person. She was the one I could talk to, She would always make me feel better. Her ‘paper people’ theory was so right.

But where has my life gone? It used to be so full. Travelling, laughing, exploring.

And maybe it is me. Maybe it’s because I’ve yearned for so long to be loved. Purely and simply. But I never have been. So I become the one seeking and needing and in doing so, pathetic.

I wonder what it’s like to be really loved by another person. I know my dogs give that unconditional love, and for that Im so thankful. Yet I’ve never known love from another. Family does not count.

I look back now at so many scenarios throughout my marriage and it’s so very sad. My character in that play was lost. She was unloved, berated and ridiculed. Yearning for attention, pleading for help and simply wanting support. But it was never there. It never was. And so I bear the scars, scars that I don’t feel have or will ever heal. For they are deep. They penetrated my core. I will always be that person who needs. No one likes that. Which is why I’m not liked.

But where to now. I don’t have Mum, I don’t have Bear. Just sadness.

I feel so emotionally exhausted. I do not have any motivation. I try. It never works. I watched a Ted talk about using the 15 minute rule. I tried that. It didn’t work past the 1st day. When I attempt to do a task, I feel the weight bear down on my being. At times I cant move, Im so so tired. And if Im out. I feel the weight of so much energy from others. The other day whilst at the Plaza, I found it difficult to breathe, it was only when I got to my car that I felt safe. I felt I could breathe again.

I feel safe at the soccer fields, but only when there’s little or no people there. I feel safe on the deck and at home. I feel safe in my car. I’m so tired at having to always pretend Im ok. Im not ok. Im tired, Im sad, Im alone.

My dogs understand. The hours I spend sobbing, they’re there. Watching, licking, nuzzling. They know, they understand.

I don’t want to fail, so it’s easier to not start. I don’t want them to realise they don’t like me. If I don’t meet, I cant annoy and I cant get hurt.

I miss Mum. I miss Bear. Yes, still missing you.

So much.

life

Missing you…


In France

There are certain times when I simply miss you.

My days and nights are spent alone, which is of my own choosing. I enjoy my own company and that of my beautiful dogs, yet it is in those moments of solitude, as is now, when thoughts of you and the moments we shared dance in my mind.

Right now, I sit in the chair we found together in an old antique shop. Stanley beside me and Freida curled on the bean bag. It is just on twilight. In the background, jazz filters into the room, creating a comfortable and relaxed atmosphere. It is these moments when I remember nights such as these when we would sit together and discuss life over a glass of scotch and dry. As I sip my drink, I remember.

I cannot step back in time, nor can I feel sad. I must learn to simply remember with warmth and fondness.

I started reading a book called Arabia, Mum, and I know you would love his writing style. You used to often say my writing would transport you to the places I described, which is why I say you would like this author. He narrates with such clarity and finesse. His words are so descriptive and transportive.

Yes, missing you.

life

It is what it is…


Anxiety creep into my being,

that familiar feeling.

I did not let it linger.

I acknowledged it – set it free.

It is what it is.

A pattern that will be repeated,

from time to time.

It is my past.

Yet now my present shapes my reaction.

It is yoga and meditation,

it is a sense of peace

it is knowing how to embrace,

it is setting fear free.

It is clear and ok,

it is exposed,

to be sent on its way

and let peace unfold.

life

Self pity was not invited…


I don’t know why that latest rejection left me feeling this way. Is it because the decision triggered negative emotions buried deep in my psyche to surface? Perhaps. And as a result, self-pity comes to the emotive party – an emotion I despise.

Interestingly, my instincts screamed at me not to attend, it was as if my subconscious knew the outcome and the effect that outcome would have. I liken it to knowing I’ll get burned, yet I still place my hand above the flame.

Odd. I don’t know why I went backward. A sense of closure, a redemption of my ability to display worthiness. Again, I don’t know. I wish I did as maybe then, only then, I’d be able to process the emotions, the feeling of rejection, the ability to accept that that chapter is well and truly over.

I need to close the proverbial book and embrace the good of what was, for the good, at one point, was in abundance.

So I need to take a forward step and believe my own words ; ‘what is for you, won’t go by you…’ that was not for me, hence why it went by.

Embrace that and move forward. Self pity was not invited…

life

Acceptance…


Most of my life I’ve struggled with the inability to fit in with the societal norm. Struggled with nurturing friendships, and whilst I’ve had friends throughout my life, I have never experienced a feeling of connectedness that I see play out in others’ relationships.

I thought of myself as odd. Someone who couldn’t connect for unknown reasons. I labelled myself as different, and in doing so, adorned myself with had an extremely negative connotation and allowing my difference to be deemed unappealing and wrong.

But it is not. And therein lies the acceptance I speak of.

My difference is unique, and most importantly, it is me. I have come to accept who I am, and rather than wallow in the negative and constantly belittle who I am, I realise the need to stop the negative self talk and replace it with positiveness. I was constantly using the term – a blinds up blinds down existence. Ive now started to change that narrative with, ‘look at my life, I am free to choose how I live. It maybe a quiet existence, one that is devoid of human relationships. I’ve realised that is now ok.

It seems once acceptance is truly and deeply acknowledged, peace will prevail.

As I write these words, my precious dogs lay nearby and they alone are the beings that truly shape my existence. I hope to soon move house, I don’t know where, but I shall simply allow it all to play out the way it is supposed to. I don’t want to strive for anything in particular anymore. I want to simply live minute by minute and hour by hour.

And accept.

life

On childhood…


I’ve been reading a lot of late. Many of the books speak of childhood memories, lifelong friendships and a support network rich and deep.

On reading, I start to reflect on my own story. My childhood memories, my friendships, my support network.

If I’m to be honest, I realise I’m not able to recall memories with the same emotion conveyed from the authors I’ve read. In truth, I cannot recall a single memory in which I’m truly happy. Memories are filled with only sadness and of always feeling alone. Memories filled with wanting to be loved and liked. Memories questioning why.

My earliest memory is of a day I went to kindergarten. I even recall what I was wearing. A tartan pinafore. I remember being so frightened and clinging so tightly to Mum. Why did I do that? Why was I so frightened? I didn’t want to let go, yet Mum seemed to want to let go. Of course my memory may be clouded, I dont know. I just know I didn’t want to be there and didn’t want to be away from Mum.

Another memory centres around a day in prep. I was 5 years-old. The ceilings of the classroom were very high and speakers that heralded important announcements, sat halfway up the high walls. Atop the speaker sat a vase of flowers, dried and wilted, The water murky and clouded. For reasons I don’t recall, and possibly as a result of vibrations from yet another announcement, the vase tipped and putrid water spilled over my head and down my body. Call it bad luck that I happened to be the one sitting in the one spot in which the contents of the vase would reach. Laughter filled the room and small, pudgy fingers pointed in my direction.

Years later as I watched the horror flick Carrie, in which she was the subject of intense laughter at being soaked in pig’s blood, I was reminded of that scene in the classroom many years earlier. For the other pupils in my prep year, seeing me covered in putrid water was the highlight of their day. I was reminded of that humiliating moment for a long time as taunts from cruel children followed me daily.

I don’t recall happy moments in school. Only traumatic ones. Being chased up a tree by 6th graders when I was in 4th grade. I hung tightly to a branch whilst my tormenters chanted, ‘no-one will ever like you ..’. I sometimes wonder where the teachers were. Why didnt anyone help?

This continued at other schools, as due to my Dad’s ever-changing employment, I moved schools 3 times in one year. At my final school I was so withdrawn and insular that I became a target for the bullies. I would try and hide from them, yet they would always find me. And the taunting would commence. “no-one likes you. no-one will ever like you”.

And the beat goes on.

I distinctly remember having to walk to softball on a Saturday morning. Walking across a large field near my house, wearing white shorts and t-shirt, I recall looking down at my feet as I placed one foot in front of the other. My tennis shoes were also white, with a half moon shaped piece of rubber above my toes. I don’t know why I remember that, it’s insignificant, yet could it matter? It was a long, 45 minute walk down to where I had to meet other team members. Why did I have to walk, where were Mum and Dad? I could not have been more than 10 years old. Walking alone. Why?

And then there’s those other memories that tend to flicker in and out of my consciousness. I liken it to watching a horror movie where the frames flick from one scene to another in very quick succession. You try to grab the vision but it moves quickly, barely giving you time to decipher it. Did you see that? Or was it something else? What really happened? I can see things, yet can I really?. Is that my mind hiding it from me. What happened that was so awful that my subconscious does not want my consciousness to see? It scares me.

So those happy childhood memories that I’m unable to recall. Where do they reside? Are they deeply entangled within insecurities and fears borne from bullying and intense sadness. Or is it simply my mind trying to trick me into believing my fears and insecurities are literally, all in my head?

Who knows.

life

a magpie’s message…


Freida’s unexpected arrival into our world has healed so many deep-seeded wounds.

We were not expecting her. Nor did I expect the magnitude of love I would feel for her. Her presence has evoked conflicting emotions: sadness, yet immense joy. I say this because her resemblance to Oscar is eerily uncanny. She has very similar colouring and her mannerisms, sometimes they stop me in my tracks. I feel she is meant to be here and maybe that’s why I had a very unusual visit from a very inquisitive magpie, which has me believing that maybe there was some kind of divine intervention.

So what does a magpie have to do with Freida’s arrival?

About a week prior to me hearing Freida was available for adoption, a magpie appeared on the balustrade on the deck of my home. He looked right at me, and when I approached, he remained. I stood right beside him, looked into his eyes, and he stared back with such intensity. I felt a warm, comforting tingling sensation run through my body. Not one of fear, more one of knowing. I felt he was trying to tell me something. I called him Malcolm and he visited for 3 consecutive days: he would arrive, watch me from the balustrade for up to 4 hours, then disappear. Sometimes he would jump down onto the deck, walk inside and stand just inside the door and watch. Stanley didn’t react, he simply watched with interest.

On the 4th day, he didn’t arrive and I’ve not seen him again.

A few days later I Googled ‘magpie visits’ and I was astounded at what I discovered. Apparently a visiting magpie is deemed to be intensely spiritual. Here’s a excerpt; When a bird acts in an unusual way (for example is particularly friendly or appears to be looking for attention), or it appears repeatedly (at least 3 times in a short-period of time), it is trying to convey a message from the spirit world to you.

Whilst I’m a spiritual person, I’m not religious, yet also a believer in the unusual and unexplained. So this visit from Malcolm was puzzling.

A few days following ‘Malcolm’s departure, I had the call about Freida. Did I want to meet her? Of course we did and she came into my life and has brought so much light to a very dark place. She is perfect in every way.

Is that what Malcolm was trying to tell me? If so, he was so very right.

.