life

Embracing Change…


A gentle breeze moves through the tall grass, causing their tips to sway in a slow, graceful rhythm. My precious dogs lift their heads, nostrils flaring as they catch the scents drifting on the wind. It is quiet. It is peaceful. It is new.

A few months ago I sold my home in suburbia and bought a renovated Queenslander that sits on 5 acres. And since moving here, my darling Mum has been ever-present in my thoughts. It feels as though I can hear her voice, expressing her love for this new space. I know she would have loved it here. She would have basked in the changing light, embraced the stillness, and smiled at the peaceful symphony of neighbouring cows lowing and watching magpies vying for the fattest worm on the dew-kissed lawn at dawn.

She, like me, would have spent hours simply watching, listeningโ€”allowing the quiet beauty of nature to unfold, moment by moment. On most mornings, I sit on the front, wooden steps, sipping freshly brewed coffee, the cup cradled in both hands, watching as the sun climbs slowly, brushing everything in gold. The warmth settles on the front verandah, where Stanley and Freida lay resting, content in their new space. Sometimes I speak aloud, imagining Mum beside me, her laughter or gentle hums of agreement answering back. Mum used to say that peace isnโ€™t found in silenceโ€”itโ€™s found in learning how to sit within it.

She would’ve embraced my new, daily rituals: tending to newly planted trees, watering the vegetable garden and creating paths with the ride-on mower so I can walk the property line with Stanley and Freida in the late afternoon. When we do so, Freida always darts ahead, bounding through the grass and pausing to investigate hidden scents. Stanley mooches just beside me as we follow her slowly, one foot and paw in front of the other. In some ways, it is reminiscent of my Camino walk in Spain, just taking one step at a time. As I walk, I watch the neighbouring cows graze gently on the grass, only to look up with an air of indifference when Freida loudly voices her disapproval at their presence. Unfazed, they simply return to their meal.

As we walk, I look toward the distant Conondale Range. Its low lying mountains cradle the setting sun and as its sets lower, the sky becomes awash with deep indigo and fiery orange hues. Some evenings, I’ve noticed lingering clouds catch that final, colourful light, and are brushed with colors so vivid they seem painted by hand. Again, Mum would’ve loved it. She would’ve wanted to fetch her watercolours and paint the wondrous landscape.

Then, as twilight deepens, and with no city lights to dim their glow, the stars begin to shimmer across the velvet-black sky, timeless and vast. I often wonder about that vastness and what lies within.

Back indoors, my new home is filled with memories of a life well lived. In the lounge room, a large table is adorned with family photos. One shows Max and Mum in Annecy, France – their laughter and joy captured in that photo always makes me smile. She loved that trip to Europe with me, Max, and Rob. She often reflected on it, speaking about how grateful and happy she was to have traveled with us to one of her favorite places.

I don’t know what I expected when I came here. This home is different, and as the days slip slowly by, I am adapting. Adapting to the absence of Max and Kassie pottering downstairs, adapting to Rob no longer dropping by just to chat about life. I am adjusting to the difference and embracing the change. And that is okay.

I am learning to enjoy simply sitting with the quiet, resting in contentment, and allowing life to glide over meโ€”taking in all the simplicity and quiet beauty of this place I now call home.


life

Across the Nullarbor – again…


It’s often been said that crossing the Nullarbor in Australia can be tedious and boring. On knowing I was soon to travel the long, open expanse of Australia’s famed outback, I was a little apprehensive.

I traversed the internet looking for advise, ideas and opinions of others who had gone before me, only to discover a barrage of information, some of which, after doing the first crossing, was a tad exaggerated. ‘You need to have cash, POS won’t always work – fill up at every fuel stop as some places run out of fuel…’ Yet, this wasn’t the case. Crossing the Nullarbor was actually easy. Free camps were plentiful as was the fuel, and not once did we have to use cash.

And when I found myself doing the return journey 3 weeks later, I had exactly the same experience. And this time, on my own with my two precious dogs by my side. the journey was just as gratifying and enjoyable as the first crossing.

And why did I choose to do a repeat performance? Simply because I decided the job I had planned to commence in Perth was not what I wanted to do in life. After driving across the country the first time following the sale of my house, I found myself loving the freedom travelling by road afforded me. After only 24 hours in Perth I knew in my heart that I did not want to fly again, rather, I wanted to live a simple life on the road with my dogs, whilst looking for my forever home.

Over 2 weeks and with the help of my ex-husband and son, we transformed my van, who Rob named Kevin Anderson the 2nd, and on Christmas day, I set off. Bound for eastern shores, I knew the Nullarbor was unavoidable. So rather than finding it a chore, I chose to embrace the 1700 + kilometres that lay before me. And unlike the first crossing when we had a deadline to meet, I took my time. The kilometres were dissolved as I listened to hilarious audiobooks, stopped every couple of hours for wee walks and drinks and I simply adopted a positive outlook of where I was, what I was doing and most importantly, who I was doing it with.

Life really isn’t complicated, we can live simply, happily and with minimal possessions.

Now, just prior to writing this post, I have spent the last hour chatting to fellow travellers in a free campground on the outskirts of Port Pirie, South Australia. I feel an immense sense of freedom, knowing I am in control of every minute of my life. I am free to choose my next destination, free to move without restraint and Im doing it all in the comfort of a small van with my two best friends.

So on crossing the Nullarbor again – I would do it again, and maybe again, again….

life

Closing the chapter…


As a young woman I tended to ignore my instincts that suggested someone’s behaviour was not indicative of a positive, fulfilling relationship. Probably due to many years of relentless bullying that mentored a deep lack of self-belief and self-love.

Yet as time passed, many positive experiences and relationships allowed me to nurture self love and as that grew, so did my ability to listen to, and honour my instincts. As such, there were very few times in which I didn’t act on instinctual signals.

Until recently.

For reasons not yet determined, old behaviours surfaced and I found myself becoming that frightened little girl who, many years ago, sheltered from the tormenters, ran from the bullies. Past fears dictated my behaviour and the strong, fearless woman I am now, hid in the shadows of self doubt. I forgot how to protect myself and so I became caught in a web of negativity and narcissistic behaviour.

Then I remembered.

Remembered I was not that frightened, bullied, little girl. I was a strong, independent, loving woman who did not cower to narcissistic behaviour.

So I acted, and closed a chapter that should never have been reopened.

life

Bitter or better; I choose better…


Without realising, I was being swept up in the drama and negativity of other’s actions.

I was allowing myself to engage, until realising this morning that this engagement was causing immense disharmony to my being.

So I need to disconnect. To once again become grounded in the present, and not allow my self to be carried away with the negative.

I have the choice. The choice to change, the choice to be better.

Many years ago, after suffering an immeasurable loss, I read the quote:  when tragedy strikes your life you can choose to be one of two things โ€“ bitter or better: I choose better. 

I have had to remind myself of those poignant words, and perhaps edit them slightly.

When negativity enters your life, you can choose to be one of two things โ€“ bitter or better: I choose betterโ€ฆ

So I choose to live in the present moment, see the happiness, see the positive and revel in the good.

I will never be able to change the actions of others, yet I can change how I respond and react.

So rather than engage in bitterness, anger, and disgust, I shall embrace the quiet, the peace and the beauty of the present moment.

I choose better.

life

The simple art of being…


In the background, gentle music fills the chilly winter air.ย ย On the floor, my two precious pups lay curled together in front of the heater. Friedaโ€™s dark, shiny head is tucked beneath Stanleyโ€™s chest. Their rhythmic breathing, restful and calm. How I cherish them.

Their presence enriches my life and allows me to find contentment in just being, there is no longer any rush to get to somewhere else.ย ย I enjoy the Now. Something I had always struggled with.ย ย I was constantly searching for somewhere else to be, someone else to be.

Yet now, I feel such freedom. Freedom from that feeling that had enveloped my mind and being for so many years.  Maybe it came down to feelings of not fitting in during my younger years.  In having those feelings, the need to flee and be somewhere other than where I was dominated my being, thoughts, and feelings.

A couple of weeks ago, we had an intense argument that led to an intense conversation about true feelings, needs and expectations.  Afterward, I felt as though Iโ€™d been washed clean with honest words and feelings. Years of anguish, doubt and hurt collided with fear and expectations that morning. In the aftermath, recognition and understanding and the need to always communicate with honesty and clarity prevailed.

I feel we moved forward in so many ways.  We are family and we love each other deeply, I know that, and I feel so grateful and proud of them. 

So where to now?  For the moment I will take the Now, second by second, minute by minute, day by day. I do know that sometime in the next year, I will find my forever after place. A place where rolling green hills shape the landscape. A place where birdsong is ever present and a place where I can sit and listen to life. Life in all it’s gentle splendour. A place where I will take those long, slow walks in the company of my precious dogs and nature.

A place where I can sit on a sunlit verandah watching the clouds, listening to the nothing. 

A place that will allow me to breathe in my twighlight years with peace, tranquility, and love. 

No longer needing, wanting, or yearning. 

For I have found all I need in who I am, and in the few beautiful, precious souls who complete me.

life

Emotional exhaustion: striving for perfection…


She was tired. So very tired. And as the moments wore on, she could feel the levels of fatigue rise within her, feeding her anxiety. In an instant, her emotions exploded and poured from her being with the same intensity and fury of lava erupting from a volcano. Words spilled from her mouth. Words that articulated caged feelings that had lay dormant for weeks.

This outpouring of emotion, in such intense form was out of her control, as according to World Health Organisation (WHO), she was experiencing the ‘occupational phenomenon’ known as emotional exhaustion. WHO states emotional exhaustion is on the rise in the workplace, particularly for those whose roles are laden with high expectations and prolonged exposure to stressors, which are defined as a previous traumatic life event or situation.

Further, The Centre for Studies on Human Stress (CSHS), defines a stressor as “anything that causes the release of stress hormones“, which are our bodies natural response to stress and prompts what is colloquially known as our ‘fight or flight response’. The Mayo Clinic states, “stress is often interpreted as a threat to survival. When this happens, it increases the release of stress hormones from your brain, further contributing to your experience of emotional exhaustion.

Jane Leonard from Medical News Today writes that an emotionally exhausted person may appear unusually cynical or pessimistic, and may lose their motivation to perform simple tasks. If an individual is exposed to stressors for a prolonged period, the level of emotional exhaustion rises and they may react with fear, aggression or an uncharacteristic display of emotion. Further, it is important to allow the emotionally exhausted person to express these emotions, as an intense outburst is often an emotive release and as a result of the stressor being eradicated. The Mayo Clinic confirms the latter by saying that once the ‘stressor’ has been removed, “… the amount of stress hormone released is decreased so you are able are able to feel more emotionally balanced...”

So as aspects of her life changed, the intensity of her emotions began to recede and she realised she was okay. 

She realised it was also okay to fill silence with intensity and conviction. It was okay to display caged feelings. It was okay to be vulnerable. 

And it was okay that her emotional explosion appeared erratic and out of character. It was needed and in fact, immensely cathartic. 

Yes, she had been tired, so very tired…

Images: Stanley&Bear Photography

Sources

Mayo Clinic

The Centre for Studies on Human Stress (CSHS)

Healthline

Help Guide

World Health Organisation

BetterUp

Dis-like: how social media feeds into perfectionism

life

With you I was always me…


It’s your birthday soon. You would be turning 92.

I yearn to call, to share, to listen and to speak with the one person who really understood.

For there were no boundaries, no walls and no pretence.

No need to impress, no yearning for approval, no feelings of inadequacy.

With you, I was always me.

Sometimes I lose that woman who shone in your light. The woman who bathed in your wisdom, bathed in your strength. That woman who, in your presence, allowed herself to breathe, to believe, to shine.

I took a drive to the ocean the other day. It was a day you would’ve embraced. For you loved the ocean, particularly on cold, stormy days. You often said that’s when the ocean was really alive.

When waves crashed on hardened sand, and heavy, black clouds weighted the sky with intensity and fury. That was when, you said, the ocean was truly alive.

On those days, when the weather raged, you’d forage for shells, often finding those that hadn’t fallen victim to the endless pounding of fierce waves. You’d always find those that remained whole, pure and as one. A reflection of you perhaps.

The morning after you left, I took a walk by the ocean. The sand was scattered with shards of broken shells, I paused for a moment and at my feet lay a perfect shell. Did you place it there?

I took it home. It now sits in the frame of your picture.

Yes, with you, I was always me…

It’s your birthday soon. Happy 92nd Mum.

I love you. Always.

life

Life’s too short, or is it…?


You’ve heard the old adage: life’s too short to be somewhere, do something, etc etc. Personally that saying has at times been the catalyst to powerful decision making, propelling me onto paths I never expected to walk and moved me in directions that nurtured my soul and nourished my appetite for incredible adventures.

I don’t often voice those 3 words, rather, for me its a feeling, a response to a situation or probably more profoundly a knowing that something within that situation just isn’t right. My body responds negatively. My being tenses and withdraws and there’s an intense feeling of being caged and unable to move. I ponder my emotional and physical response before the feeling envelopes me and urges me to act.

And I do.

In doing so, I’ve come to realise that life truly is too short to spend time pondering or worrying whether you should or shouldn’t be somewhere or be doing something that causes stress. In my experience, if I’ve had to ask myself if life is too short to be where I am, then maybe I’m not meant to be there. And when I have acted, I’ve found myself having some incredible moments. In 10 days, I made a swift decision to move to Taiwan to teach English, in which I made lifelong friends. I accepted a photojournalism job in India where I found myself constantly taking selfies with an hilarious water buffalo whose name was Buff. And I began an 860 kilometre walk across Spain that was one of the most self-reflecting journey’s I’ve ever embarked upon.

Our footprints are meant to be left anywhere and everywhere. So if you do find yourself questioning where you are from an emotional or physical perspective, maybe it’s time to leave your footprint and begin a new journey.

Life really is never too short, maybe it’s just the time spent in one place that is …

life

Home…


We all know the old saying; home is where the heart is, and I’ve always found those words endearing as home can be wherever your heart is happy, irrespective of geography or material possessions.

My heart has been happy living in many spaces, but right now, it is happiest simply being in the space I’ve created over the last 10 years.

So in light of Co-vid19 and its restrictions, spending time at home without visitors has not been a concern. As an empath, I find being in my own home with only my dogs & family as company, gratifying and empowering.

Yesterday restrictions were lifted slightly, allowing up to 5 people to visit your home. These restrictions came at the perfect moment for it was my youngest sons 22nd birthday the previous day. And unlike me, he often prefers the company of his friends, rather than time alone. So with the combination of a birthday and lifted restrictions, he invited 5 of his friends over for a few celebratory beverages, to be shared in front of a fire on a cool May evening.

As twilight descended, I stood for a moment and took in my surroundings.

And as my son’s friends arrived, their joyful chatter and laughter filtered through the garden and the sound warmed my heart. A little later as they settled around the fire, I decided to capture this moment in time, for being a silent observer to that beautiful moment made my heart happy.

Yes, home is definitely where the heart is happy…